mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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