a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
