be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize