ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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