So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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