Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
