is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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