I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
