We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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