Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
