Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
