naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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