just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm always down for nudity.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
