you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it's like iHOP with fire
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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