he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
