i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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