his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
