That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
