Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
