i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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