No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
