Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize