I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
