so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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