it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize