dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
