I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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