i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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