We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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