sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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