Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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