Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize