Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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