You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
