Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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