I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
