I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
