Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
two words...techno handjob
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
