The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
