if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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