And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
