laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
