I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize