If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
