my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
