I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
