Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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