I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Found the puke drawer
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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