I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
