I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
