proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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