I cannot find my penis.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
