We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize