My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
