I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize