Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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