WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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