Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I understand Curling. That high.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
