I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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