when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude i'm inner monologue high
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I think itโs appropriate to celebrate the start of motherโs day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Randomize