I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you inspire me to be a worse person
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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